Should I or Should I Not

Many things happened these past months, things that can be given only to some, something which can be the ultimate fulfilment of a dream, one considered to be as life changing. But once you're there and it's just beyond your reach, something will happen where you'll say "let's pause this moment for a while", but at the same time your doubting to step back because you also don't want to miss the thing and just hoped and prayed that everything will turn out just fine. And then eventually, it will turn upside down, nearly to cause everything, left nothing but to ask, "What should I have done instead", " Did I push for something regrettable later on?, or "Was it a mistake?"...ah, all questions that I never knew the answers if I did it the other way around.

They have been asking me for a while, but I already said NO. They become persistent and asked me for the second time, and this time, the knock of opportunity is indeed appealing. Everything was arranged, settled, and by end of the month, I am scheduled to visit their headquarters for final assessment. I know something is wrong before the big day, reason that I took common medications to counter the symptoms. And when that day arrived, a feeling of hesitation is still there. But after seeing my suitcase, it landed my feet heading towards the door. While on the way to the airport, I closed my eyes and said to myself, " I can do this, it's not my first time, just relax, take it easy and see everything will be fine, you're here, this is it!"

The body do reacts on how you think, and that's what I did. All along, I fought hard between mind and body and kept thinking repeatedly that the pain will leave me if I'll refocus positively. It helped me in a way to survive and was able to enjoy my last night, until it triggered back on my actual departure. My rehearsals seem not working and this time, I panicked. Consciously that I'm still miles and miles away from home, I asked the flight attendants for medical assistance. They were really helpful and have explained to me that I need to stay for another day for the check-up and see if I can handle the long flight. It was a point where I got involved in a very tight situation, where past experiences cannot be compared to put into resolution, nevetheless, I need to make a decision either way.

I paused to think and pray, it maybe the first time where I prayed so hard for God's deliverance to endure a bit and to bring me home safely. I realized now, that when you're there, when there's nothing to hold on too, it's only between you and your faith that will bring you out from misery. And He was indeed merciful, the flight attendants had been so nice for treating me well too and I was able to find peace on that long journey. And so, upon my arrival, there's no wasted time but to go immediately on that place. Yes, I was hospitalized and have traces of it until this time.